jenn
10/5/21
My dearest Chris,
The love of my life, my soulmate, my best friend.
Three months does not sound like a long time, but it also has felt like it was an entire lifetime with you.
I had prayed for someone like you. Shortly after meeting, I told you I had listened to a podcast on how to manifest a boyfriend. After 3+ years of my heart being closed off, I felt like it was time to let someone else in.
And then you showed up.
It wasn’t some love at first swipe, though didn’t take too long after.
Your dating profile was awful. You didn’t have a bio written. Terrible pictures (which ended up not even being a good representation of what you looked like). Yet my intuition made me swipe on you, when normally a profile like that wouldn’t have received a second glance.
And my life has never been the same.
My profile mentioned wanting someone between a fit-bod and a dad-bod; you clearly fell on the extreme side of the fit bod. Your intro message to me even joked about it. I liked you anyway, even though I had told myself I could never date a bodybuilder after going through the experience myself. High maintenance, stress, the food, the workouts. Oof. But at the same time, I understood it so knew I could support you through it.
When you would text me paragraphs at a time, it was another sign I had met my match. I’m a words-girl, and your words spoke right to my heart. I had never had so many deep and personal conversations with someone prior to meeting, and when we met it was like we had already known eachother forever.
June 28, a Monday, we met.
While waiting for a table for dinner, we walked to Starbucks. They were taking cash-only and I offered to pay for our coffees. You were so offended that a girl was offering to pay, as that’s a man’s obligation. You were such a gentleman the entire evening.
We walked around downtown Plymouth and shared stories of our past, getting into way more personal events than you’d tell a stranger, but we had such a level of comfort with one another that nothing mattered. You made fun of me for not having a lot of crazy life experiences. I admired that you had so many.
You were brought into my life to get me out of my comfort zone; and we didn’t get to many of these things.
On our first date, for most of the time before we sat to eat, you were wearing sunglasses. I made you take them off because the eyes can tell so much about a person – you have those beautiful green eyes that I never wanted to see hidden, and they looked at me in the most magical way.
I felt you falling for me in an instant, but I still kept up my own protective bubble.
It started to rain once we got our notice that our table was ready; I was wearing a dress and you in your tight pants and schmedium shirt, without thinking offered to give me a piggyback ride the two blocks back to the restaurant. We laughed, we took our time just strolling in the rain, and had not one care in the world except walking hand in hand to dinner.
Even though we still joke that I talked more about how good the bread basket was at the restaurant than actually paying attention to you, my heart started to open up more as we stayed well past the restaurant’s closing, even though it felt like we had only just gotten there. You also recounted that first date a week or so ago, remembering every little tiny detail from what I was wearing, to random topics we brought up.
After our second date that week (and a world-stopping kiss), you already wanted to see me for a third time on Friday, which was my birthday. I told you that I keep Friday nights to myself, and that I wasn’t going to see you. You had begged to see me for 5 minutes, but then held back and respected my need for my alone time. Later, I learned that you wanted to bring my flowers.
I loved you even more.
Within a week, I knew my feelings were growing stronger and felt they were with you as well. It freaked me out, and I know I had to make a point to remind you that I am an introvert and my alone time is important to me; and helps me to show up as a better person when I have that space. You wanted alllll of my time. And it worried me that you’d be attached and that things wouldn’t work out and that I’d break your heart or that there would be some unhealthy codependence; but it worked.
You had class to focus on, and getting ready for your competition. I had my career, and my coaching business, and working on my own self. I forced you to take time for you; forced you to have time to yourself, and forced you to learn to relax, and that doing NOTHING is doing something. That you don’t have to be go-go-go all the time.
Date 3, you helped me trim some overgrown branches in my yard. I could not keep my eyes off of you, all masculine and strong cutting and bundling up branches. You wanted so much to take care of me, to be able to help me and do things for me. You said it made you feel loved to feel needed.
I never knew I needed you.
Now, I’m super strong independent woman and all; and you loved that about me, but also taught me how to receive. That it opened up my heart even more to be able to let someone in, relax some of my hyper-independence, and taught me that I don’t have to do everything on my own.
I remember we were hanging out when you got the phone call that Brian died. You had told me some of the history there about his drug use, and how you did what you could to try and help him. We had only been dating not even two weeks, but I made you stay overnight because I couldn’t stand you being alone with the news with having such a long history with him. Your mom was worried about you. I wanted to be there for you, even though I had absolutely no idea what you needed.
In the morning, you made my bed. It just made me smile as I got more of a glimpse into our future together, and I fell in love even more.
You’d do my dishes.
Take out my garbage bins.
These tiny small gestures, that meant the entire world to me.
You even volunteered to babysit Kitty, my sister’s dog, when we took a sisters trip with the kids to Frankenmuth. Kitty was a pretty anxious-ridden dog who required a bit of extra love for her special needs and medication. But you had said that while you’d be a great emotional support buddy for her, that she’d be just as much of an emotional support buddy for you. a
Less than a month into dating you signed the new lease on your apartment, but I think we both had a small thought in the back of our heads, that you’d end up breaking that lease before the year is up.
We had so many plans, Chris.
Once you finished competing, being able to go out for a fancy dinner and eat whatever the heck we wanted. You being able to have all the ice cream in the world. And carrot cake. You were so excited about carrot cake. I even had plans to order an extravagant carrot cake dessert to have delivered to you the night of your show for you to come home to.
We were supposed to get massive cinnamon rolls. And brunch dates. Pancakes. Extra syrup for you.
We were planning trips once you graduated in March; so so many plans after you graduated in March.
You were supposed to teach me to ski, and take me camping since I’ve never done either.
We skirted around the topic of what kind of dogs we liked, and what type of place we wanted to live in. While never straight up talking about moving in together, we knew we both would want somewhere isolated in nature, living more on the minimalist side. You even said we’d be the perfect couple to just buy a bus and renovate it and travel wherever.
We’d be the perfect couple doing just about anything.
You were always so aware of mentioning the future too often, as you knew it terrified me being so close and so serious and taking about the future. But also I think you knew how I felt about it and that deep down, I knew that is where we were headed.
You accidentally met my sister and her son, Cash one day when they unexpectedly came over here as they wanted to walk to the corner to get ice cream. Cash looked up at you – and then told you that you had nice ears. When we were talking to the corner, Shell asked Cash to make sure he holds a grown-up’s hand; and he grabbed yours. The smile on your face was priceless. Even the smile on your face when later Cash said you had tiny arms.
They say kids tell the blunt truth – but believe me, I have about 100 other people who have seen pictures if you that would not say you had tiny arms.
I was supposed to meet your family a couple weekends at your cousin’s wedding. You were nervous to invite me because you knew I didn’t like large crowds of people, but also because you didn’t want me to feel uncomfortable meeting your entire family in such a big setting, where ideally, we’d just meet up with your immediate family a different time. You said how much you’ve talked to your mom about me, and I could just see the smile on your face as you did.
Maybe you told her that I am always telling you what to do; but most of the time – you would take my advice. Stopping the reliance on melatonin, getting you to slow down and take time for you, drinking a gallon of water a day.
You helped me pick out which dress I was going to wear for your cousin’s wedding, The pink dress is still hanging up outside my closet, never having a chance to wear it yet.
When one of my photographer friends, Bekah, was looking for a couple to practice her photography skills on, you were so excited that I volunteered us to be her test subjects. And I was so excited that you agreed to do it.
You would have done anything I wanted to do together.
And man, those pictures are priceless. Even if it totally ended up looking like an engagement shoot with our pictures in the water, our an elopement shoot with our pictures in the meadow. We are a beautiful couple, and the love shone through the pictures. Bekah posted one of our “elopement” pictures on her Instagram with the comment, “Get you a guy that looks are you the way the Chris looks at Jen.”
Everyone could see how you looked at me. In our pictures, how genuine and real it was. How that look “Chris gave Jen”.. was the look I always, always got from you.
You never called me Jen, always Jennifer. Very few people call me Jennifer and it felt so endearing, because I told you that most people just call me Jen. Unless you were talking about your “Jen pillow”, which just a random pillow you had, but you said that you would hold tight before falling asleep when we couldn’t be with each other.
We were never a “babe” or ‘honey’ type couple. You’d write me love notes so frequently, anytime I left my place before you did.
“To my dearest girl”
“To my lovely lady”
“To the most beautiful girl in the world”
“To the love of my life”
From being signed, “Chris”, to the later notes always being signed be, “Your Man”. Always calling me “my love.” I was not a sappy romantic. You made me be one.
So many notes. So many feelings. So much pouring out of your heart and making me feel like I was the only person in the world that mattered. I have every one saved just as you may have every one I wrote back.
The day we met you had told me that you are a gentle giant; I didn’t realize the sappy romantic that was behind that rough exterior. I never knew that’s what I wanted or needed, but I fell so hard for every word you wrote to me, spoke to me, and even those that weren’t said that I just could feel.
I had told you one night as we just laid there in each other’s arms – that I literally could feel my heart swelling. I had never had such a feeling, but I physically felt the love pouring out of my heart and into you. The look in your eyes when I told you that.. and we hadn’t even known each other that long – but we knew. You would bring this moment up a lot later on; how any time you think of it you get the biggest smile on your face.
I had been broken for years; my heart was so closed off and I was not letting anyone in. My coworkers would joke anytime I talked about starting to date someone, as they knew it would never go beyond a date or two because I wasn’t ready; I’d find something wrong with everyone; I’d go into dates already deciding it wasn’t going anywhere.
But with you – I remember saying after the date one, I was taking a liking to you. After date two, I knew it was more than just a person to go out and do things with, and by date three, I knew there was no way this was going to end anytime soon. My coworkers joked with me after date 3, that this is the man I was going to marry. (you also got dubbed the name “tree trunks” at my workplace). The people I work with are some of the closest people to me, and I couldn’t wait to show you off at our work Christmas party this year, get all dressed up, and have you meet my other “family.” I talked about you far too much.
Sometimes you held back on sharing your feelings with me because you knew I hadn’t been able to commit to anyone recently; and you always worried that it would freak me out if you told me how you really felt. But every time you did talk about us, I loved you even more.
When I shared pictures of us together– I never had so many people message me to tell me I look like I’m glowing; that they are so happy for me that I finally found my happiness. People knew I was just a single forever type, that I was an advocate for being alone and working on yourself and not needing a man.
I didn’t know how much I needed you, Chris.
I never wanted to find someone who was my other half; because I’ve worked so hard over the last few years to make sure that I am not a half. But you did complete me in a way and filled a void that my heart was missing for so long.
I was worried that you hadn’t given yourself enough time to heal from your past relationship, and you reassured me that you wouldn’t have been seeking someone if you hadn’t. That you took time for you, even took time off the gym to try and figure out what the next step was for you, researching schools, seeing your therapist more often. I had been hurt in the past by someone coming out of a long-term relationship and jumping into a new one too quickly. I wasn’t going anywhere but wanted to know that you had taken the time for you to grieve the loss of the relationship and to heal and do things for you.
One day after about a month and a half into dating, you came over and you were acting nervous. You knew I was having a stressed-out week, and you said you needed to get something out of your car. You came back in with a vase of flowers and a look in your eyes that I will never forget. You held my hands and looked right at me. You had something serious to say and were shaking as you held my hands. And then after sharing how amazing the time so far had been, you said “I love you.”
There was no question in my mind that I loved you.
You told me weeks later how you remember that day so clearly and that you thought that I wouldn’t say it back or that you had misread some signals.
We never said it before that moment, but we both knew it far before we said it.
We knew there was so much love between us in the way we looked at each other, the way we held each other. The way our hands perfectly fit together. The way my head fit in the nook under your arm when I laid on your chest. The way you would give me that look when I’d say something out loud that you were thinking, wondering how I could get inside your head. When you’d come from the gym and be all smelly and sweaty and just want to give me a big hug, and I didn’t care.
You told me I was the most beautiful girl in the world once when I first woke up; hot mess, sleepy eyed, hair all over the place, and you just stared at me so lovingly and touched my face.
I didn’t have to try with you. I didn’t need to dress a certain way or wear makeup or try to impress you. From day one, we were both so truly ourselves and showed the ugly messy pieces of us, and we loved each other even more for that.
I just got you. And you got me.
You told me that you loved me, and that you loved us.
I love you, and love us.
There was not one single thing about you that I didn’t love. Every quirk. Every weird habit.
Even the short shorts. And pants tighter than ones I’ve ever owned. That gray sweatshirt that was far too small that you said is like a security blanket.
Th way you took forever to pick out food at a restaurant, and were the slowest eater I’ve ever seen.
Your little smirk and when you’d shake your head when you’d catch me staring at you.
I understood your drive, your ambition, your commitment to everything.
Going into class early and staying late to perfect your craft. Always wanting to be #1.
Revolving your free time around the gym, and cooking and eating, yet still always putting me first.
I’ve never been someone’s #1. And you never made me question that.
I thought I would never find a love like this. To be loved so much and to be able to give so much love to a person. The universe put us in each other’s paths at exactly the right moment we needed each other.
Less than two weeks ago, you had sent me one of your novel text messages, about one the thoughts you had as you were tossing and turning all night. You said I have seen you in your most absolute worst state mentally, with everything with Brian, to stress of class and competing, with not having a normal schedule and flexibility to do things on the weekends, and yet I am still so full of love for you, with things only able to get so much better once you had more time.
Occasionally we brought up the future, but you didn’t want to rush anything. We took things slow in the beginning and it needed to be that way for us both. Both healing from our pasts and cautiously optimistic of our future together.
But Chris, we both know we fell hard and fast, and there was an unmistakable bond and chemistry between us. There was an undeniable connection, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. We fed off of each other’s energy.
You were my biggest supporter, biggest cheerleader.
I had debated signing up for a 6-month inner-work course that included 3 wellness retreats; one of which was going to be a weekend away the weekend of your first show. It was not only a big financial investment, but it killed me to have to make the decision to miss your show. Our communication with each other was so open that after talking about you, you begged me to take the opportunity. You said there’d be other shows, and you had a second one planned. That I’d be silly to miss out on the experience.
You never once laughed when I talked about all the spiritual work I was getting into, intrigued by my talk of chakras and so open to understanding why I was so into self-work and meditation and journaling. We didn’t have the same religious background or beliefs, but both believed in a higher power and had strong faiths. You relaxed with me listening to 528hZ sounds on Spotify, and the Tibetan bowls.
You’ve even told me how you said a prayer for me when I was under my own stress.
You’d check on me to make sure I was holding myself accountable, and make sure that I was taking time to do things for me and my self-care, just as much as I’d do the same for you. You’d make sure that I was eating when I would get stressed out and start to forget about my own health. You held me accountable to my workouts. You put up with me when I changed my own goals with fitness every other week.
I said I wasn’t sure if I ever wanted to compete again as I know how messed up of a headspace it put me in in the past, but also you wanted to support me and be by my side, whatever I decided to do or not do.
In turn, on the days that I needed my alone time or space, I really pushed for you to do things that lit you up. You loved music. You just bought a new guitar- and I just realized I never once got to hear you play it. Though you did try and serenade me once in song in the car. Anytime I’ll hear “Konstantine” I will think of you. And you’d try and impromptu slow dance with me in the kitchen.
One of our last nights that we spent together, you participated in a full-moon ceremony with me, understanding that we had different religious or spiritual beliefs, but being fascinated by my interests and open to learning.
We sat in silence and wrote down a list of everything we needed to release, past experiences, negative thoughts, self-limiting beliefs. We wrote down a list of things or people we need to forgive; while these were private, it meant so much to me for you to do this not only to understand me a little better but also to do it for yourself. We sat there, folded up our lists, and burned the negative thoughts, we released what wasn’t serving us.
I didn’t know there were still things you had held onto that you never shared. That you couldn’t let go of everything.
I gave you a journal of your own that night, which you didn’t have much time to use – but the next step was spending 5 minutes of writing things that we were grateful for. You always had me at the top of your list. And you had so many things that you were writing down. You loved so much and were loved even more.
You told me everything, Chris. I thought you told me everything.
You were so emotionally open to me and it felt like feelings and emotions came so easily to you. I knew so much about your past, your struggles, relationships; I felt like I knew your entire family before even having the chance to meet them. You said being vulnerable never was easy for you, but you were never afraid to bring up skeletons in your past and know that I wouldn’t judge you for anything.
You always talked about your shenanigans with Robbie and Brian. Your love for Lindsay and how you were the kind of siblings who always took care of one another and never fought, her Kerf. You were so proud to be an uncle to Rosie and felt guilty that you didn’t make more time to see them.
I always thought about leaving this state, seeing what else is out there. Before meeting you, I had even had my house up for sale and was ready to just see what happens and move to Colorado. You never wanted to leave Michigan. Even if you were offered the best job in the world – you couldn’t leave your home here. I think it worried you that I would try and escape; but I would have stayed here for you in a heartbeat.
We knew each other’s secrets. Our dreams. Our long term plans. Our lives that we lived independently but knew that would blend so perfectly when the time was right.
Our story was still being written Chris. Our story wasn’t supposed to end here.
Your story wasn’t meant to end here.
I think we had our first mini-fight just a week ago when I talked about putting together a new bed frame that I purchased on my own, since you were so busy with everything else. You wanted to do so much for me, but I never would let you since I hated asking for help. You never once made me feel like I wasn’t your #1 priority, and you had told me that you’d do it. I said I could handle it, and you told me that you needed to feel needed.
I needed you.
And I need you now more than ever.
And that bed frame you picked out for me still needs to be put together.
We never finished re-doing my sunroom, you were helping me build my dream oasis to have a place to read when I can’t sit outside. You loved watching me read, even when you called me the biggest nerd.
The last couple weeks you haven’t been yourself, and I did everything that I could to help. I was always here for you, and the day that I didn’t get a goodnight text or a good morning text from you – my gut instinct went into overdrive.
You would text me paragraphs every day. You wanted to know every single detail about me, and I wanted to tell you ever single thing. Even what I ate for lunch.
One of the last times I saw you was the first time that you saw me cry. I was so worried about you and felt like you were pushing me away, so after not seeing you for 5 days (the longest ever), I showed up at your place. You weren’t answering me, and I sat there for about half an hour in the parking lot trying to get in touch with you.
You finally came to the door and asked me what was wrong. I was scared I was losing you – I didn’t know you were losing yourself.
We laid together and you had told me you weren’t going anywhere, and that our relationship was not at all a factor in what was going on. That you were just under so much stress, and so much pressure.
I knew you had a mental health appointment a couple weeks prior, and you said this wasn’t something for your therapist, you need someone for stress management.
I told you that you should focus on the things you can control – and that maybe you should put the competition on hold right now. There would be more competitions, more shows. You said that you didn’t want to let anyone down. I said Chris, the people who love you the most are your biggest supporters for this show; and we are the same people who would love you even more if you took a step back if it was affecting your health. So stubborn, so determined.
Can we go back to a few weeks ago?
When we had a date night doing axe-throwing, finding a perfect night out that wasn’t revolving around food since you’re still dieting for the show?
And the next week when you set us up a night at the Masonic Temple to watch a candlelit symphony? While every minute together we spent at home was perfect, being able to show you off to the world in public, have this amazing man on my arm, see and feel the energy of the love that was radiating from us.
Can we go back to when we’d hold hands and walk around the block, you calling me Barefoot Betsy because I didn’t want to wear shoes? A walk that took me 10 minutes to do, but with you it always took about 12 because somehow with such long legs, you were the pokiest walker ever.
Or even to the date when we took a hike at a local park, when I asked 3x if we needed to bring bug spray, and you assured me we didn’t – and then you came back with 18 mosquito bites.
Can we go back to the love letters that just got mushier as the weeks went on?
I use an app that you would pick on me for, that gave me daily updates based on my birth date and time and where the stars aligned in the sky. On Monday, the two messages it gave me were: “You deserve a great love,” and “Are you looking for a love letter?” Oh, how it just read my mind.
Can we go back to a month ago, when I was sitting on my porch reading, and you said it put the biggest smile on your face to just see me doing what I love to do? Or back to when you’d sit on the porch with me, and we’d sip coffee in the morning on the rare time neither of us had anything going on.
Did you know there is the word “smile” mentioned 127 times in our text history?
3 months in a row of good morning texts, goodnight texts, and I keep looking at my phone waiting for them to come through.
There is a quote, “It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.”
Is that true? Was this real love?
Is it possible we were both living in a fantasy world of sunshine and rainbows, infatuated with each other?
Is it possible that we were naïve and blind to the world and just using each other as a distraction?
Could it be that we’re both with addictive personalities and we chose each other to feed our addictions, and love was the top one?
It wasn’t anything ingenuine. This is just true love.
Chris, I know our love was one of the most pure, genuine, natural, comfortable loves.
In such a short amount of time, the magnitude of our love could fill up a lifetime.
I reassured you just a few days ago that I’m not going anywhere.
You weren’t supposed to go anywhere either.
I would do anything to have another three months with you, and anything to have the lifetime that we were meant to have; but I wouldn’t trade in the last three months for anything.
I miss you terribly.
Love,
Your girl
